And All The Cemeteries Of London
by cityofmist
Summary: 'He appreciates the clean beauty, the celestial clarity of the Garden.' Doubting himself, Castiel seeks out Joshua for advice.


Joshua is not surprised to see his brother; he inclines his head in greeting and waits calmly for Castiel to speak.

When he does, he chooses the most neutral thing he can think of. 'You have remained in the Garden.'

'I do not wish to take sides in your war,' Joshua says, in a tone entirely devoid of anything like condemnation. Castiel does not know Joshua well, but everyone knows _of _him, and a word that comes to mind surprisingly often in connection with him is _sincerity_. 'I appreciate your leaving the Garden as neutral ground,' Joshua adds.

'None of us wanted to shed blood here, Raphael's side no more than mine. Is it a refuge for you?'

'It is…a sanctuary, perhaps,' Joshua says. 'Considering the situation, if I lent my support to one side in this civil war of yours, it would be an important factor. The Garden is a place of peace, where I can remain uninvolved.'

Castiel nods, and looks around him. He understands Joshua's liking for the Garden; he himself has always preferred to spend his time in the heavens of humans, where he can watch them and examine their perceptions of the world, imagine that he is back on Earth, sometimes; despite himself he misses it. But the Garden is a fixed point rather than a human's heaven, and without mortal perceptions to colour it it remains pure, clean, empyrean. To Castiel, looking at Earth and its glories with full angelic awareness is like watching a cinema screen in a brightly-lit room instead of the customary darkness; the messy, blurred, three-dimensional limits of human perception reduce what he can see, but they allow him to observe what he is looking at with all the colour and focus it was intended to have. Nevertheless, he appreciates the clean beauty, the celestial clarity of the Garden. It reminds him of what he is: angel, not human, and he does not want to forget it again.

A place of peace, indeed, in a world where it is becoming rarer by the day.

'Do you ever…' Castiel begins, and does not need to finish. Joshua gazes at him with gentle understanding.

'Not often. I have not heard much about you.'

'What have you heard?' he presses.

Joshua smiles. 'You come to me to allay your doubts?'

'Perhaps.'

'Why do you not go to the angels under your command? They have given you their support, their unswerving loyalty. You could go to any of them and be told unhesitatingly that you are in the right, that you are the saviour of Heaven and Earth.'

'I never wanted to be the saviour of Heaven and Earth,' Castiel says quietly.

'That, I can understand,' Joshua says with a faint smile.

There is a short silence, and then Castiel says carefully, 'I could seek reassurance from my warriors, or my lieutenants, but it would not be what…what I'm looking for. There are things I cannot tell them.'

'I know,' Joshua says. 'Your agreement.'

'I thought you might. Did…' Castiel finds his eyes drifting upward automatically, as a human's would when they think about his Father, but it is a meaningless, arbitrary direction, a very _human _way to think, and he stops them.

'Yes. He did.'

'And…?'

'He has not shared His opinions with me, and I have reserved judgment.'

Joshua's words are as kind as ever, but to Castiel they are needle-sharp. One more piece of evidence that his Father is entirely apathetic toward the suffering of His children. On Castiel's more pessimistic days, which have of late been numerous, he almost begins to agree with Raphael.

'Yes,' Castiel says, his voice coming out brittle and sharp-edged. 'I'm not surprised.' He rises to leave the Garden, and Joshua sighs.

'Raphael has lost his faith in God,' he says, as Castiel turns away, and he stops, returns his attention to Joshua, waits for the angel to continue. When he does, he seems to be choosing his words with an uncharacteristic care. 'You kept your faith in Him, even when you abandoned Heaven. Even when you lost your Grace.'

'He brought me back from the dead,' Castiel says shortly. 'Twice. Is it not said that proof denies faith?'

Joshua laughs softly, but after a few moments his expression becomes more serious. 'You searched for Him when you knew nothing of where He was or what He would do. You sent the Winchesters to plead that I pass on His messages to you, and when you thought He had abandoned you you still returned to His service. You know as well as I do that when our brothers were giving up on him, you kept your faith in God.' Joshua looks around the Garden, taking in its light and beauty with a small smile on his face. 'It would be a shame if after all that, you lost your faith in yourself.'

Joshua watches Castiel as he stands there, thoughtful, and time stretches on, but Castiel cannot afford to waste too much of it. He shakes himself off and prepares to return to his soldiers, but he takes one more look around the Garden, and then meets Joshua's gaze. 'Thank you,' Castiel says. 'If He…Tell Him…' He pauses, and then smiles faintly. 'No. I'll talk to Him myself.'

Joshua bows his head in assent, and Castiel leaves, to rejoin his angels and give them his command, with something new strengthening him. He thinks it might be resolve.


End file.
